OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
