I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
