I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
smell my finger.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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