I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
