I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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