he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
