we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
