i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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