I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
