tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
