I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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