Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
