just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
