I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
