I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
