great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize