the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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