It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
