There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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