If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
