Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize