she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
