I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
