You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
