Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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