So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
