dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
