respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
