You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Never underestimate the power of titties
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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