Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize