I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
