Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
