I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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