No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize