i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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