aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
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