i love accidental penises.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize