I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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