Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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