I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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