Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
