I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
