I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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