this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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