I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
