you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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