Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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