Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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