You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
