I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
well you can't waste a boner
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
