I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
