I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
