Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I don't deserve a penis
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize