The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
