Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
