Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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