a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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