so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
