I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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