Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
