I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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