I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
