You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
