Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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