it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
