So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize