Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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