My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
is that a dick in a sweater?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
