In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
