At least make sure they are 18
Why
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize