Need sex. Gaining weight.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
