i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
