I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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