so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
