there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
