i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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