i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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